Understanding Your Couple Dance

All couples have conflict. Conflict isn’t necessary bad, but it seldom feels good. Healthy couples learn how to manage conflict in a way that doesn’t harm the relationship and allows for a solution to be reached either by changing a behavior or some type of compromise.

Sometimes, couples find that they get into a pattern of interaction that prevents them from reaching a solution to the challenging issues in their relationship. Often, the pattern can be understood as a “dance” in which they each move together in a predictable manner. Often, our couple dance can actually prevent us from being able to have a productive conversation. I would like to look at three patterns or “dance steps” that couples may find themselves practicing.

The first dance pattern is the “retreat-retreat” pattern. In this pattern, both individuals struggle with addressing issues in their relationship and would rather avoid talking than to risk having conflict. They often find themselves choosing to not talk about an issue of concern, and instead ignore their feelings and withdraw until they feel better. While on the one hand this couple pattern can appear to not have problems, on the other hand, this couple pattern often results in a gradually increasing emotional distancing from each other. Couples with the “retreat-retreat” pattern can find themselves feeling more like roommates rather than feeling emotionally connected.

The second dance pattern is the “pursue-pursue” pattern. In this pattern, both individuals are comfortable about addressing issues in their relationship. Both often have ideas about the solution to an issue, with the result that conversations can become emotional and “lively.” This type of couple may be known for their “lively” discussions, and sometimes they are unable to reach a solution due to both feeling strongly about their ideas. This pattern can be healthy if both individuals are open to compromise and are able to “speak truth in love” rather than focusing on expressing their personal feelings. This pattern can be unhealthy when solutions are unable to be reached and each person begins to view the other person in a negative way.

The third dance pattern is the “pursue-retreat” pattern. In this pattern one individual feels it is important to address an issue in their relationship, and the other person doesn’t feel comfortable and withdraws. This pattern usually sees an escalation due to the pursuer feeling ignored or understood and intensifying their effort to be heard. When the pursuer intensifies their effort to be heard or understood, the withdrawer continues to retreat emotionally. This pattern usually ends when the pursuer becomes frustrated, or harsh words are spoken that injure the other person.

Couples may display a variation of these dance patterns at different times or find that they interact consistently in one of them. One benefit of understanding your dance pattern is that you can recognize when you are moving together in a way that has historically not been positive in your relationship. If you know where you are heading as a couple, you can identify your pattern and make positive changes. Another benefit is understanding that our dance steps may come from an emotional place within ourselves, and the steps we take may be to protect us from feeling hurt.

Take some time to examine your most recent disagreement and try to determine what steps each of you were taking. You may also want to have a conversation and discuss what prompts you to take the step you take in your couple dance. You may find that you understand your partner better and your couple dance becomes more positive.

Communication in Marriage

When couples are experiencing challenges in their marriage, they often identify the problem as “not being able to communicate”. The descriptions of what constitutes good communication would look like can range from the desire to talk without fighting, an ability to share the events of the day, a desire to have deep meaningful conversations, or any other desire to connect with your partner in a meaningful way through talking.

One desire I believe all people have when talking with their partner is to feel safe. Whether we are seeking to solve a problem or simply spend time sharing our thoughts, we want to feel safe. When couples talk, and the conversation becomes tense or uncomfortable, it is easy for us to feel threatened and become angry or defensive. When we feel threatened or unsafe in a conversation, we naturally default to justifying our decisions and point out the faulty thinking or behaviors of the other person.  The result is that we become flooded with emotions and feel overwhelmed. When that happens, the goal in the conversation becomes to protect ourselves against our partner. So, when thinking about talking as a couple, a crucial aspect of the conversation is for both individuals to feel safe.

So, how do we have a productive conversation and feel safe? After so many failed attempts to talk, how can I talk to my partner without dreading that the conversation will put more distance between us instead of drawing us closer to each other?

When we are faced with a conversation that becomes tense or argumentative, we often push forward in the conversation, defending our position, until we give up in frustration of anger. Research has shown that emotions that develop in a conversation after the first few minutes will determine the emotional direction of the conversation. If you are having a discussion and it begins to become frustrating or defensive, it will not get any better.

So, what can you do to have a better conversation? When I am working with couples at Tapestry Counseling, I recommend two tools to help develop good communication.

The first tool that I recommend for a couple to use is the “time out”. When either partner recognizes that they are beginning to become emotionally flooded or overwhelmed. They can call a “time out” to pause the discussion and allow their emotions to calm down. The “time out” is a tool that is not used to avoid a conversation, but a tool to use to improve conversation. During the time out it is helpful for each person to do something calming like listening to music, going for a walk, reading their bible or prayer, anything that helps them calm themselves down emotionally.

The second tool I recommend is that when you resume your conversation, focus the conversation on understanding the other person rather than seeking to solve a problem.

Speaking personally as a man, I can say that many men can be described as “problem solvers” and we enter most conversations eager to identify and plan how to remedy the issue. Often, the attempts to find the simple answer is met with the words, “I don’t want you to solve my problem, I just want you to listen” and we don’t know what to do.

To effectively understand the other person, I suggested that you consider using a format for talking that has been called the “speaker-listener technique”. The steps to implementing this tool is described in this article from Watermark Church entitled  “Stop and Argument”. When using the speaker-listener technique the goal is to understand the other person, not solve a problem. One of the most challenging aspects of seeking to understand another person is to suspend your personal judgment as to what the speaker is saying. To understand another person does not require you to agree with what they are saying, just understand what they are saying. 

When you add these two tools to your marriage toolbox, you may discover that you are experiencing a level of communication that is both understanding and more intimate.

How Big is Your Window

Have you ever found yourself looking back on a frustrating conversation with your spouse, a co-worker, or your child and asked the question “Where did those feelings come from?”

What about trying to explain your feelings to another person, only finding you aren’t able to express yourself with words or feeling totally overwhelmed?

Most of us at some time have experienced these feelings, and perhaps you were outside your window of tolerance.

The term “Window of Tolerance” was coined by Dr. Dan Siegel to describe the zone of emotion response where you are able to function most effectively. When we are outside the window of tolerance, we find that our emotional responses are either in the direction of hyper-arousal or hypo-arousal. Hyper-arousal is often called “fight or flight” and often includes wanting to run away, feeling overwhelmed, or impulsive actions. On the other hand, hypo-arousal, is the opposite emotional state in which we experience a “freeze” response, and experience an emotional shutting down or feeling emotionally disconnected.

What can you do to stay within your window of tolerance? There are several calming and relaxation skills you can learn that can help. Also, sometimes a person may have a history of trauma in their life, and learning how to deal with the effects of trauma will help you to stay in your window of tolerance or help you enlarge your window of tolerance.

Our counselors at Tapestry Counseling are trained to help you identify and develop the skills necessary to learn to effectively manage your “Window of Tolerance”. During this time we are offering both in office sessions and virtual sessions. Give us a call today.

When Conversations Become Overwhelming

Imagine the frustration of sitting on the couch, trying to talk through a problem with someone, and it seems like everything goes crazy. It doesn’t matter if it’s your spouse, your child, a parent, or anyone else you might be talking to. One moment you feel like you are having a good discussion and talking in a reasonable way, and suddenly you feel overwhelmed and the conversation feels out of control. Don’t panic... what you experienced is a common reaction when conversations become overwhelming.

Imagine that your brain has three main control areas. The back part of the brain is responsible for managing all those functions of your body that are automatic... things like your breathing and the beating of your heart. The front part of your brain is the part that helps you make good decisions and have productive discussions. That’s the part of your brain that you depend on to have a rational discussion with someone. The middle part of our brain controls our awareness of our environment and signals us if something needs our attention or alerts us if something appears unsafe. It’s the middle part of our brain that activates the fight or flight response that kicks in if we feel threatened and leads us to that feeling of being overwhelmed. The feeling of something feeling unsafe can come from an actual event or be triggered from something that we hold in our unconscious minds from the past.

When we have a discussion that becomes tense or if something happens that triggers our unconscious that something isn’t safe, the middle part of our brain activates the fight or flight system in our bodies. When our fight or flight system is activated, the systems of the body secrete adrenaline and cortisol to prepare us to either flee the threatening situation or fight for our safety. The front part of our brain, the part that is responsible for helping us make good decisions is hijacked. Our brains tell us that this isn’t the time to think and reason... it’s the time to run or fight.

When we are trying to talk through a problem with someone, and the conversation becomes overwhelming, it is a sign you need to take a “time out”. A break from a tense conversation can prevent you from saying things you will later regret and give your “fight or flight” response a chance to settle down. Have you noticed that when a conversation turns negative, you seldom can turn that negativity around? Often, taking a break for 30-45-minutes, will allow your emotional system to calm down so you can have a productive discussion. During the “time out” you can take a walk, pray, read... anything that takes your mind off the frustration until you calm down. I encourage people to learn to practice relaxation and deep breathing. By allowing yourself a “time out” you can calm that mid-brain section of your mind that has activated the fight or flight response.

The Necessity of Hope

The Necessity of Hope

Julie David, LPC

When I was a teenager, one of my favorite movies was Hope Floats, starring Sandra Bullock and Harry Connick, Jr. I loved the actors and the soundtrack, and it was filmed in East Texas. What’s not to like? But even beyond that, even as a young person, I understood and appreciated the concept that “hope floats, always rising to the top.” If you have hope, you can go on even in the face of insurmountable difficulty: grief, loss, betrayal, depression, or any of the other tragedies of this life. Many things are lacking in our culture today, and I believe that hope is one of them. Narcissism is rampant, selfishness destroys families, and our busyness keeps us from connecting with what or who is truly important.

An example from ministry

I see this especially when working with couples. Granted, when a couple comes to counseling they are usually past the point of needing a nice little tune-up. They have lost hope that their marriage will weather the current storm and last for a lifetime. They have lost hope that there is Someone greater than the two of them that will keep them going and keep them together. When I lived in the Dallas area I had the privilege of working with a wonderful marriage ministry called Cornerstone. It was tailored for those couples who had lost hope and were on the brink of divorce, but were making one last-ditch effort to try to make it work. The one thing that stands out to me from those weekends is the change from hopelessness to hope that happens in the hearts of those individuals who come and do the work required of them that weekend. Couples who have filed for divorce, are already separated, or who count their marriage as distressed leave the weekend renewed with a sense of purpose, reconciled relationships and – here’s that word again - hope for their marriage. What really makes the difference? It’s not that the hurt of the affair goes away or that trust has been completely restored, or that forgiving one another creates a holy amnesia, but they find something more powerful than themselves at this weekend. They find hope. Not just hope that they can mend the marriage, but hope in person of Jesus Christ.

An example from Scripture

Most of us who have grown up in the church are familiar with the story of the bleeding woman as told in Mark 5. Jesus was on his way to bring back to life the Jewish leader Jairus’s daughter and large crowd had gathered around him, as usual. The Mark account tells us:

And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering. (5:25-29, NIV)

Put yourself in this woman’s shoes for a moment. Scripture doesn’t tell us much about her, but we know that after so many failed attempts at healing that she must have been desperate. According to Jewish law she was ceremonially “unclean” and therefore had to avoid contact with her religious community. She undoubtedly heard the stories about Jesus’s miracles. Maybe she had even witnessed some from afar. I can just imagine that she was willing to try anything else in order to be accepted back into her Jewish community and be freed from her suffering. Why not just see if she could get close enough to touch Him without actually bothering Him? She may not have realized that she was placing her hope in the Son of God, but that’s exactly what she did. And what a blessed decision! Jesus’s response to her was “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” (Mark 5:34)

What does this mean for counseling?

What if we actually approached the throne of grace with such confidence? Hebrews tells us that we can, and we will find “mercy and grace to help us in our time of need.” (Heb 4:16) Hope has the potential to float to the surface exactly at the time when our perceived need intersects with faith. Dictionary.com defines hope as “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen; a feeling of trust.” This is one of the many things I love about my role as a counselor. At a time in life when hopelessness seeps in, I get to offer something beyond the circumstances. This is different than blowing smoke, or offering shallow platitudes like “It will all work out in the end,” or “Just let go and let God.” The hope I get to offer sounds more like “There is a God who loves and sees you, and hasn’t forsaken you in this.” Or “While life might really stink right now, I choose to believe for you that Jesus can get you through this.”

In all fairness, I am generally an optimist, particularly in the counseling room. And I’m reminded of the way God uses that personality trait every time I see the stuffed Energizer Bunny given to me by one of my long-time clients. I don’t believe that it’s just me, but it’s the Jesus in me. He is the only constant. He is the only source of hope. He is the only one that can really keep going and going and going and going…

Sources:

https://www.dictionary.com/browse/hope

https://www.marriageministry.org/

From One Parent to Another: Discipline that Actually Works

By Rebecca Schall, MS, NCC, LPC-Intern

            When I was a child, my parents did not have a consistent parenting plan when it came to raising my three siblings and I. They lacked intention, and while my mom was adamant she would not discipline with corporal punishment, my father was physically and emotionally abusive. Unfortunately, this parenting method of inconsistency and/or abuse is far too common in our society today, and the number of kids experiencing trauma at the hands of their parents are far too great. For this reason, there is no shortage of literature attempting to help parents find the most appropriate method of discipline. So many parents (myself included) find themselves overwhelmed by all the experts who promise to share life-changing strategies for their family, and a lot of it can feel too difficult to master or even try. Because of this, I would like to take the time to point to a voice in the wilderness that helped me clear the air and provide a few simple and practical steps you can begin using today to help train your children up in the way they should go.

            A few years ago, my two sons were involved in an ugly custody battle, which left my oldest son, now 9, completely traumatized. We were honestly at a loss with how to help him, and none of the strategies we had previously used in disciplining him were working. He is seeing a wonderful Licensed Professional Counselor in the area that recommended a book to me that I personally and professionally recommend to every friend and client I see struggling to help their children. Written by Daniel Siegel, MD and Tina Bryson, PhD,  No Drama Discipline offers an effective and practical method of disciplining children. I give Dan and Tina all the credit for their method, and use it in my practice, as well as in my own home. It is my prayer that you see the value this has for you and your family as well.

            No Drama Discipline focuses on discipline, and not punishment. The idea behind discipline is to teach your children, not to punish them for making you angry. When our motivation is to teach, our discipline moments become opportunities to connect with our children and deepen our relationship, instead of wounding it. We do so by being intentional, connecting, and then redirecting the behavior. 

Intentionality

Before engaging with any child in a discipline moment, it’s critically important to be in the right head-space. If what has just taken place has your blood pressure rising, take a time out (you, not your child). Say a prayer, take a walk, take a breath, count to 10. Do whatever you need to do to move your brain from reactive to responsive. No effective teaching is going to be had if you’re doing everything you can to just contain your frustration.

While you’re taking a minute, you’ll want to examine any baggage you’re bringing to the table. Is this the 10th time your toddler has spilled his juice, making you want to scream? I’ve been there. Is this the first time your new teenager has slammed her door in your face, and deep down you fear she’s going to turn into the monster you were when you were a teen? No Drama Discipline refers to these thoughts and feelings as “Shark Music.” You know, as in the scary suspenseful background music you hear when Jaws is about to pop up on screen. Every human brings their own background noise into their present experience. But my child is not me, and when I lash out at her for fear that I’ve lost control, I find I’ve only done the thing I was trying to avoid. So taking a moment to notice tension in your body, and taking a small time-out can help you turn down the shark music and stay in the moment with your 13-year-old, before you imagine her as an out-of-control, rebellious 17 year old (all because she once slammed the door in your face).

Once you’re out of your momentary freak-out, examine the situation logically. This is called “Chasing the Why.” Ask yourself: Why did my child act this way? What is going on inside of them? What’s behind their behavior? And when you’ve got a handle on that, remind yourself that the goal of discipline is to teach, not punish. Ask yourself what you want to teach in this moment, and determine the most appropriate method to do so. Now you’re ready to connect.

Connection

            This is the part I love about No Drama Discipline. I wholeheartedly believe that connection and redirection - not punishment - is at the heart of God’s relationship with us. When was the last time you were struck down by God’s fiery wrath because you sinned against Him? We all deserve it, no doubt, and yet He is relentlessly patient and ridiculously loving to us, even when we make the same mistake over and over again. He is our Heavenly Father, providing us with a perfect example of how we as parents can interact with our kids when they are at their worst.

            There are so many benefits to connecting with our children. It helps them to develop their prefrontal cortex (a fancy word for the part of your brain that controls, logic, reason, and upper-level functioning), learn to regulate their emotions, and build a sense of morality, intuition, and empathy. If you want to build resilience in your child, connection is the way to do it. If connection is at the core of our relationship with our kids, even in disciplinary moments, our children will grow with a secure foundation of love and trust.  So how do you connect when your kid has temporarily lost his mind?

1. Start with body language. Whether your kid is 6 or 16, standing over them with a pointed finger is probably only going to increase their negative emotions. Instead, try getting on their level, and give them your full attention with eye contact. If appropriate, make a funny face, and demonstrate empathy with your facial expressions. This will help them remember that you are on their side.

2. Validate their feelings. Even when you don’t agree with their behavior, their feelings should always be validated. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it right? Just like adults, children are entitled to having a bad moment, even a bad day. Life is sometimes overwhelming. Acknowledging their feelings can help them feel heard and understood.

3. Listen to what your child has to say. This isn’t the time to lecture your child. Instead, try hearing their side of the story. You may find out you’re missing vital information (which can really save you from some embarrassment later).

4. Reflect what you hear. When your child has just told you he hates his brother for always taking the last apple in the snack tray, reflect back the meaning behind his words: “You’re frustrated that you didn’t get to have an apple.”

Redirection

            Once you’ve connected with your child, you are now ready to redirect. It’s important at this point to again remember that the goal is to teach, not to punish. You may find it is often not necessary to give a consequence. Your choice of teaching, and whether a consequence is warranted, will depend on the situation. Be flexible, but be consistent.

            If, during connection, you realize that your child is hungry or sleepy, there’s no harm in giving them a snack, a drink of water, or a nap. Because the goal is to teach, it may be counterproductive to try to address the situation when your child is unteachable in the moment.

            This method offers 8 practical strategies to redirect your child, which they creatively turned into the acronym REDIRECT.

1. Reduce Words - don’t lecture. Most kids tune out after the first few sentences, so don’t waste your breath. This one has been a hard one for me. I’m a lecturer. But I have found so much value in keeping it short and sweet.

2. Embrace Emotions - here’s that connection strategy again. Teach your kids its ok to have emotions, and help them learn to differentiate between them. This is a valuable skill they will need in adulthood.

3. Describe, Don’t Preach - focus on the facts. Tell them what you observed, and give them an opportunity to recognize what they did and why it was wrong. This teaches them responsibility and accountability.

4. Involve your Child in the Discipline - increase their buy-in and accountability by giving your children opportunities to choose what they should do to make it right. If your boys were in a food fight, maybe they will choose to clean up the mess. The punishment should always fit the crime.

5. Reframe a No into a Yes with Conditions - instead of saying no to a reasonable request, say yes with a condition. For example, if your child wants to go play outside with the dog, instead of saying no (because her room is still a mess from play), say “yes, after you straighten up your room.” You’ll find you’ll forego a LOT of arguments just by giving them more Yes, and less No.

6. Emphasize the Positive - encourage your children by focusing on what they do right. Even in disciplinary moments, there can be something to praise your child for.

7. Creatively Approach the Situation - kids love creativity, and they equally love humor. If you can find a funny way to fix a problem - do it! For example, if my daughter doesn’t want to get dressed in the morning because she’d rather be asleep, I might make funny voices and sing silly songs to get her laughing. It lightens the mood and increases receptivity in your kids.

8. Teach Mindsight Tools - this is so important. Give your child an opportunity to explore how other people feel when they make bad choices. Help them identify ways in which they can make different choices the next time a difficult situation arises. Giving them a chance to think critically about their behavior, how it affects other people, and what they can do differently next time builds connections in their brain, and helps them buikd relationship - with you and with others.

I have used these strategies at home, at church, and in session with my own clients. I have seen the difference it makes to connect, then redirect. It has been an answer to prayer. You see, I believe that the Lord desires parents to take the time to carefully plan and practice their parenting, to be intentional. His desire is that each of us would bring the Kingdom to earth in the community around us, and in our own homes. I am not perfect, and there are many days that I have thrown the book out the window and really made a fool of myself. But I love that God is gracious, and so is this method. If we mess up, we try again. Because our kids are worth it. 

Resources

https://www.drdansiegel.com/books/no_drama_discipline/

https://www.drdansiegel.com/pdf/Refrigerator%20Sheet--NDD.pdf

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/570a82c74d088e29f6f59598/t/5bf58a6d032be41e8e4d48a7/1542818414357/NDD+for+Teachers.pdf

Rebecca Schall is a Licensed Professional Counselor-Intern at Tapestry Counseling in Tyler, Texas. She holds a Master’s Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from the University of Texas at San Antonio.

The Power of Shame

Who among us doesn’t have something in our lives that we prefer to keep secret.  It may be a life event, a behavior, some feeling, or characteristics that we hide.

Perhaps it’s that secret might be about a family member that no one talks about, it might be that DWI that has been diligently kept private, it might be something sexually inappropriate that happened one time and is over, it might be something that happened to us as children that we want to forget, it might be a secret addiction that regardless of how many resolutions that have been made… still controls our lives. 

All of the emotion that may arise out of personal secrets and feelings of needing to be someone we aren’t share a common attribute… shame. The feeling of shame might come from someone in the form of a subtle glance of disapproval, or as bold as a humorous joke focused on something about us. What we know for sure is that we feel that something is wrong with us. That’s what shame does… it invalidates who we are as a person. 

In the book “The Soul of Shame” by Curt Thompson, describes shame as having an impact on all our social systems. He says of shame that “this is not merely a felt emotion that eventually morphs into words such as “I am bad”… This phenomenon is the primary tool that evil leverages… As such, it is actively, intentionally, at work both within and between individuals. Its goal is to disintegrate any and every system it targets, be one’s personal story, a family, marriage, friendship, church, community, business, or political system. Its power lies in its subtlety and its silence.”

Thompson sees shame as a tool that is used by “evil”, and I think he is right. In the Bible, the Apostle John describes a battle in heaven in which Satan and his angels are cast from heaven. John describes Satan as “the accuser of our brothers…who accuses them day and night before our God” (Revelation 12:10). Since the activity of Satan in heaven was to accuse the people of God, we shouldn’t be surprised that he would use the tool of shame to attack and accuse us.

I appreciate the way Thompson develops the concept of shame. He describes four aspects of how shame works in our lives.

The first concept that the author developed is that shame is more than a feeling. It is a sense within us that communicates that we are not enough and we don’t have what it takes. We can have a great theology of who we are “in Christ” and a biblical understanding that strength for living is found in the presence and power of the Holy Spirit in our lives, yet this sense can strike us when we least expect it. It shows itself it the student who takes an exam and scores a 92, yet makes excuses for the other 8%. It’s there as a feeling we can’t explain when, as a professional, we diligently prepare and make a presentation and few people say something positive. It’s there when the stay-at-home mom is with her friends who are sharing their professional experiences, and finds herself questioning her choices in life.

The second aspect of shame is how it is wrapped up in judgment. Thompson describes it as a “spirit of condemnation or condescension with which we analyze or critique something, whether ourselves or someone or something else.” This “spirit of condemnation or condescension” is often directed not only to ourselves but to others also. I was challenged by the idea that many of the things that I criticize in others can grow out of those things I secretly struggle with myself.

The third aspect of shame is that it is great at hiding. The author describes shame as a sense that “leads us to cloak ourselves with invisibility to prevent further intensification of the emotion.” Regardless of who we are or what we have accomplished in life, we will go to extreme lengths to keep the information that shames us hidden away. This sense of privacy that grows out of shame is a challenge in Christian community. In our busy lives we often find that we don’t take the time to build a circle of friends who we grow to trust and who love us that we can honestly share the shame that we carry.

The last aspect of shame is that shame creates a loop in which shame begets shame. It creates is self-supporting cycle of isolation and disconnection. When we experience something that creates shame in us, we turn away from other people in our life as we avoid the reminder of the shame. This very turning away from others reinforces the sense of shame we experience. Thompson observes that, “this dance between hiding and feeling shame itself becomes a tightening of the noose. We feel shame, and then feel shame for feeling shame.”

If you are anything like me, you can identify with each of these four aspects of shame. Regardless of how old we are, we can remember that feeling when we were one of the last ones chosen to be on a team. As parents we can remember times when we were judgmental to our children, and pushed them to do things differently, so they could avoid what we experienced. And which one of us, when we are encouraged to “confess our faults one to another” is the first to speak up? How many times have we been hurt, and experienced shame, we make a vow that we won’t be hurt again.

Shame has had a crippling effect on our lives, and in the next post we will look at how shame can be addressed in a healthy and biblical way in our lives.

Story of Shame

Brené Brown did a TED Talk in 2012 entitled “Listening to Shame” that has had over 10 million views. Her TED Talk hit a nerve about shame that seems to resonate with each generation.  I’m curious if it resonates with you.   

It’s easy to recognize that shame can be good or bad. Shame can legitimately awaken us to actions in our lives that are not healthy and we need to be aware of, and for that we can be thankful. However, it is not the legitimate function of shame that usually dominates the lives of people, it is usually the feelings that occupy our thoughts after forgiveness has been given. The distinction has been made between guilt and shame. Guilt makes us feel bad for something we have done, and shame makes us feel bad for who we are.

 What is it about the story of shame that seems to never grow old? Curt Thompson in his book “The Soul of Shame”, reflects on the idea that the story of shame is woven into who we are as a human race. The story of shame is interwoven with the stories we tell about ourselves and the stories we tell about God.

Thompson sees a connection between the story of shame in our lives and the story of struggle between God’s working with mankind and the power of evil. He makes the statement that, “shame is not just a consequence of something our first parents did in the Garden of Eden. It is the emotional weapon that evil uses to corrupt our relationships with God and each other, and disintegrate any and all gifts of vocational vision and creativity.”

What I appreciate about Curt Thompson and Brené Brown, is their message that the story of shame in our lives isn’t resolved in the privacy of our lives and personal reflection. Thompson communicates clearly that shame is dealt with within a spiritual context where there is prayer, conversation, and community.