Understanding Anxiety

Anxiety can be difficult to understand. When a person is overcome by anxiety their body deploys a bodily defense. They may experience shallow breathing, tightening of the chest, tension in the upper body, racing heartbeat, and/or a turning or churning in the stomach. Someone seeing this might be tempted to tell a person, “Hey, just relax- there’s nothing to worry about.” Unfortunately, that doesn’t work and is not helpful.

 It is valuable to understand what is happening when someone experiences anxiety or has a general anxiety disorder. Anxiety is one of the most common mental disorders experienced.  Most everyone experiences feelings of anxiety at some point in life. Life presents us with unknowns. We are all designed with a fight, flight or freeze response for survival, however, our brain can trick us into thinking we are in danger when in reality it might just be a worry thought over uncertain situations. Rick Hanson, PhD, describes, the mind like Velcro for bad experience and Teflon for good ones. We have the ability to remember what happens in the past and when confronted with uncertainty in the future we project what has happened in the past.

Present orientation can help to eliminate anxiety. When we ruminate about past experiences it can create room for anxiety to grow or when we worry about the future and think, “what if,” this can also lead to greater anxiety. Being in the present moment helps to manage the anxiety. Mindfulness, Grounding techniques, body-oriented approaches, and exposure are strategies and methods shown to address anxiety.

Click here for a helpful guide for managing anxiety.

For more information on anxiety, check out the following resources:

•  NICAMB – National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine

•  Siegel, Ron. Mindfulness and Psychotherapy

• Mayo Clinic: Anxiety Disorders

Mind-Body Connection and Allostatic Load

In recent years, our understanding of the ways in which our minds impact our bodies has grown exponentially. The rise of integrative medicine demonstrates an increased focus on taking care of our minds in order to take care of our bodies, and vice versa. Even in your own life, you may have heard your primary care physician inquire about your mental health status, or perhaps your therapist has recently asked you about improvements in diet and exercise, and even sleep hygiene (yes, it’s a thing). You truly cannot take care of one and ignore the other. 

Our bodies are designed to manage stress, and stress is both physical and psychological. We move in and out of states of hyperarousal to manage the threats we experience on a daily basis - whether it’s the physical grind of the daily commute, the psychological concern over an angry boss, or a literal fire in the kitchen. In our society where the demands on our time are ever increasing, many of us suffer with a disproportionate amount of psychological stress. If not managed, it can lead to a chronic physical state of distress, which negatively affects your body through a process known as allostasis. Allostasis, according to Dan Allender, is “our body’s attempt to adapt in order to maintain homeostasis by changing our normal physiological responses… in order to process the continued stress signals from the brain.” It’s your body’s way of adapting to improve survival in intensely traumatic environments. But there are costs to survival. 

Individuals with an increased allostatic load have higher levels of inflammation in the body and can contribute to the development of autoimmune disease, as it activates the immune system response to a disproportionate degree. Chronic pain syndromes are also affected by allostatic load, and can significantly impact an individual’s quality of life. The effects of stress and anxiety can even lead to an accelerated death, as it deteriorates our telomeres, which serve to protect our chromosomes from the effects of aging. 

Suffice it to say, mental health is important, not just for improved way of thinking and behaving in the world, but also for the benefit of your physical body. As you journey toward healing following a trauma, a goal of reducing your allostatic load can be immensely beneficial for your mind and body. Changes in diet, exercise, and sleep provide opportunities to lower your body’s stress response and reduce inflammation. You can also combat allostatic load with sunlight, prayer, gratitude, social support and even therapeutic modalities such as EMDR.

The very nature of trauma creates a sense of powerlessness and overwhelm in the face of difficult circumstances. Developing an attitude of care and kindness toward your body, and acting in ways to reduce your stress response, can undo those effects and create a sense of stability and support.  

For more resources on how the body and mind affect one another, check out these publications: 

Van der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score, 2015

Allender, Dan. Healing the Wounded Heart, 2016

Attachment and Sexuality

In Christian communities, the topic of sex is often considered taboo, and is therefore difficult to talk about, even in the context of committed marriages. Purity culture, despite it’s best intentions, has often painted sexuality as sinful, a fleshly and worldly desire that must be killed off as we “die to self.” And while I can appreciate the efforts to promote abstinence until marriage (as research continues to affirm the negative consequences of extramarital sexuality), it often leaves newly married couples struggling to define their sexuality in a healthy way, and to explore the physical and emotional pleasure that God intended it to provide. 

And while we could write books on the subject of the goodness of sex (which a few Christian authors have undertaken), we will instead point our attention here to the ways in which sexuality is a means of expressing our attachment to our most intimate partner, and is influenced by the attachment styles we developed in all important relationships (not just sexual ones).

As a refresher, attachment needs are biological. As Dr. Curt Thompson states, “we are all born into the world looking for someone looking for us.” As infants, we need to know that someone sees us, will soothe us, and will work to keep us safe. The degree to which our caregivers are able to meet those needs determines whether we grow up to trust the world as a relatively safe place. And though we grow up into adults, our needs for safety and security within the context of human relationships remain, and are expressed in our most intimate relationships.

For children, attachment needs are often met through expressive behaviors, including: gazing, holding, touching, caressing, smiling, and crying. Interestingly enough, these are the same behaviors we often see expressed between adult romantic partners, though sexual arousal is often accompanied by the experience. The same core needs are being met in both contexts, suggesting that sexuality is really a means for our partner to meet our strongest desires for connection and belonging. This flies in the face of the current cultural belief that argues sex is meant to be a purely physical experience without any need for commitment or connection between partners.

If we assume that sex is the proverbial stage in which adult relationships play out their attachments, then we would expect to see woundings here too. And that’s exactly what we see. As Dr. Johnson summarizes in her book on attachment theory, those with an avoidant attachment style tend to be focused on performance and physical sensation and report less frequency and satisfaction with sexual encounters. Those with secure attachment, in contrast, are able to explore their sexuality with playfulness and curiosity, and are able to experience the freedom in the immersion of the experience. Bottom line - those with secure attachments have more, and enjoy more, sex.

The implications here are tremendous. If sexuality is a means to meet emotional and attachment needs, then understanding attachment wounds and working on the relationship with a focus on attachment becomes critical to ensuring a healthy sexual relationship between partners. Sex then becomes a physical representation of an emotional reality - rather than merely a pastime to enjoy. And it’s presence within the marriage can be an agent of beauty in our lives, rather than something to feel shame about. 

References

Johnson, Sue M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. The Guilford Press. New York, NY.
Thompson, Curt (2015). The Soul of Shame. InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove, IL.

The Importance of Connection and How Therapy Encourages It

I have been a Licensed Professional Counselor for over 8 years now. I am a professional in my field, but I still have a lot to learn.

Recently a life altering event changed the trajectory of my life and my profession. People used to ask me why I became a therapist. My answer was fairly simple, “I knew what it was like to hurt, and I knew what it was like to discover healing.” Life had placed me in the path to be a therapist. God had placed me in the position to be one. Years ago, I met with an amazing counselor after experiencing a cancer scare. I was able to walk through the trauma and grief of this due to my faith, a whole lot of prayer, a wonderful therapist as well as a supportive community—church, job, friends, and family. I believed that I would never be the same after that season of my life. Yet, God did a big work and used others to help me heal through it.

I was in a place where I felt I could be used to encourage others, since pain had been a part of my life. Little did I know, that that pain would not be a one-time event-- it would be intertwined into the tapestry of my years before, and, my years to come. But, so would unending joy.

Every time I meet with a new client, I try to explain to them the importance of counseling. I share that their first step is to acknowledge their need for help, and how proud I am that they did. It is important that I also share that counselors themselves often need counseling as well. To whomever is reading this, we (as counselors) see therapists for our own well-being. We are all human and experience our own struggles. There are times when it is beneficial and it is healthy to say “I am not okay and I need help.” It is imperative that we spread this message and shake off the negative mindset surrounding mental health issues. It is essential to know that you are not alone, and that there is healing and support available if you simply reach out.

With years of education, practice and life experience, I continue to learn that life changes—that trauma can be relived— that some things need to be said out loud and processed with someone outside of family and friends. I’ve also learned that healing isn’t only possible, but it’s attainable. Throughout my years of study and hearing the life stories and heartbreak from others, there is a central theme in every person—the importance of connection.

One of the main goals we seek to accomplish in therapy is connecting the client into community and into relationships with others. There was a Ted Talk recently that discussed how the opposite of addiction is not sobriety but connection. I believe this to be true in many areas of our life. Connection has the ability to uphold us and allow us to not walk this journey alone.

Connection in the Counseling Relationship

As therapists, we have the unique honor of hearing life stories from those who choose to entrust us with them. When I see someone begin to break free from some of the burdens of their past or their pain from life experiences, it is a true blessing. It becomes evident they are finding their way, seeing light in the darkness, and working through their struggles and frustrations. Each person who sits in front of me shows so much strength and courage to show up week after week. They are actively working through their fears and personal battles. For those reasons and more, I care deeply about the relationships I establish with the people who come to see me for therapy. 

Connection in the therapeutic relationship is so significant. This is why there are so many studies showing how important this connection is. 

Laurie Myers wrote in Counseling Today: Connecting with Clients, “All Counseling approaches and techniques have at least one thing in common — their potential effectiveness is likely to be squelched unless the counselor is successful in building a strong therapeutic alliance with the client.”

Mental Health Professionals acknowledge the importance of the relationship with our clients as well as their relationships with God and others.

What does the Bible say about connection?

Connection with Jesus

We declare that Jesus Christ—who lived, was crucified, was raised from the dead, and who will come again—is the Living Word of God. It is to Christ that Scripture points. It is through Christ that we have life (John 5:39–40). These are truths to live by. We must have connection through Jesus first in order to have connection with others. Our connection with Christ is at the foundation of who we are as humans. God created us in his image (Genesis 1:27). We were never meant to be separated. Sin separated us from God, but we were given the chance to be connected to Him again through his son, Jesus Christ.

Through this, we are adopted and accepted into the family of God. Rick Warren said “Christianity is more than a belief system. Christianity is a belong system.” The Bible says we were born again into God's family when we became a follower of Jesus. It also says that we've been adopted into God's family. Both are great metaphors for what it should mean to be a part of community.

Connection with Others

Throughout Scripture, the Bible address the prominence and the meaning of connection. From the beginning, we were created for community. The first thing God said was, "It is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). God said that humans were not made for isolation. We were made for connection. Why? God created Eve to be a helper and a suitable companion for Adam (Genesis 2:18). This tells us that God intended us to be in community with others when he created humanity.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says,

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”  

This passage addresses several reasons why we should be in relationships with others. We were made to live in connection with others as one body.

“For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us” (Romans 12:4-6).  

We are the body of Christ here on earth. Each of us plays a part and carries a purpose. However, we must work together for something bigger than ourselves. We must stand in community, alongside one another, and support each other.

Call to Authentic Connection

As a society we are more “connected” than we’ve ever been. We have unlimited access to phones, computers, internet, and social media. Yet, we still feel disconnected and isolated somehow. Connection through social media and through online forums cannot fill our inherent need for personal relationships with others. This is an important reminder for us all. A screen can only get us so far. We must be in face to face community with others. In turn, we must also invite others to be in community with us. We need to be open and mindful of those who are hurting around us. We long for authentic relationships, for acceptance, for love, and for realness. We long to alleviate the plague of disconnection. Through true connection and community, we can start to feel less alone and see healing in our lives and in the lives of those around us.

Hopefully this article will help you see the importance of connection and the role it plays in your day to day life. Recognizing our own needs helps us walk through each day. There was never a question of our need for community, but there should be an active lifestyle of creating and accepting that need. If you are struggling, if you are overwhelmed, if you are hurting and/or feeling the weight of life on your shoulders, please seek out help. We (Medical Health Professionals) are here to listen, to support, to encourage and to be a safe place for you.